A Little Royal History

Once upon a time in a star system far from Earth there was a mean, nasty Empress named Grindle. She was so mean she killed all of her siblings so they wouldn’t threaten her position on the throne. Her youngest sister was very nearly spared by the evil Empress since she spent most of her time far away from the Galactic Palace (getting stoned and watching Jackie Chan movies).

Sadly, the youngest sister decided to return to the palace for some interaction and replenishing of her DVD supplies just as the evil Empress commenced her familial killing spree.

Grindle knew her subjects despised her and that after her eventual death they would plunder her tomb and desecrate the body. To prevent this from happening, the evil Empress clubbed her little sister over the head with her own glass bong and arranged for the body to be placed in the Imperial tomb in her stead. The young sister’s final thought was “gee, I guess weed really can kill you.”

A Few Hundred Fallen Civilizations Later

Centuries later, just before the fall of the Nova Vida Organization on Earth, the Empire found itself on the verge of collapse. The last Emperor had become an heirless vegetable in his extreme old age (not that many vegetables have heirs to begin with anyway). Planets languished in open rebellion and rival houses vied for control of the throne.

An enclave of elite scientists, historians, and Freemasons gathered in secret to find the most prosperous era in the Empire’s history and resurrect its leader. By this time, Empress Grindle’s cruelty barely registered as a footnote in middle school history books, though the spoils of her lust for conquest lived on in records. Finding little data to implicate her as a tyrant, the enclave elected to clone her and place her on the throne in the hopes of rebuilding the once-great Empire.

They exhumed what they thought was Grindle’s body, extracting its DNA and reconstructing the long-dead princess. High levels of THC were written off as the result of centuries-old vegetation growing among the tomb’s monuments. Using Printellect™ technology, they even reconstructed her memories and engineered an enhanced sense of duty, honor, and love for the Empire.

Once awakened, the new Supreme Empress of the Entire Universe smiled, looked around, and asked where she could find some nachos.